Grief Support 101: Essential Tips to Compassionately Support Someone Who is Grieving

Have you ever had a person you deeply care about go through a terrible loss and you didn’t quite know what to say or how to help?

In our culture here in the United States, grief is so misunderstood. People often are very well-intended, but say things to their friends, co-workers, and family members to help that ultimately leads to greater isolation for the person in grief.

Grief and loss are also widely considered to be a “depressing topic” that people tend to want to stay away from in our culture. This is tricky because grief and loss is part of living, right? We just simply can’t get away from it.

But we can develop phobias about it, right?

What if we start talking about it more so that it’s less like a frightening contagious virus you can catch and more like simply a part of being alive?

Today I’m going to delve into some of the ways you might respond to someone you know who is grieving a loss. With the caveat that these are simply ideas and everyone is unique and different, just as every loss is unique and different.

For example, if I’m navigating the loss of my mother and my father is navigating the loss of his wife at the same time – even though she is the same person, our grief is going to be different because we are two different people grieving two very different relationships with her. And even though my brother would also be grieving the loss of his mother, his relationship with her is a unique relationship that belongs to him – I don’t know his grief of his unique relationship even though she’s also his mom.

I think it’s important to remember this because it is true and it’s part of the intense loneliness of grief. There are no two relationships that are the same. There is no way to compare my grief to anyone else’s.

Also, while today I’m going to focus on how to be present and supportive to someone who is experiencing grief and loss due to death, I want to mention that grief and loss can be due to so many circumstances unrelated to death.

We can experience grief with divorce, when we feel deeply betrayed by someone we love, if we have a debilitating injury, with a lost job, with a dream that no longer seems possible for us, with empty nesting, with trauma and the innocence we once had feels robbed and ripped away from us. Just to name a few.

If someone you care about is experiencing intense grief and you want to be supportive and compassionate, but don’t want to misstep, here are some pointers. By the way, a lot of this info comes from Megan Devine’s spectacular work on grief.

I’ll start with what not to do:

1. Don’t compare your grief to someone else’s. As I mentioned a few minutes ago, everyone is unique with their own unique relationships. Nobody’s grief can be compared to anyone else’s. This is what makes grief such a lonely experience – but comparing griefs doesn’t make it any less lonely – it can just lead to feelings of hurt and misunderstanding.
2. Don’t ask them to call you if they need anything. They probably can’t and won’t call you – it’s taking all the energy they have to simply survive right now through the pain. Offer something very concrete: “Would it be ok with you if I mow your lawn?” “Can I stop by at 8am each morning and walk your dog?” Anticipate what they might need and offer that to them rather than leaving it open for them to do the work to reach out to you. It’s probably more work than they can handle right now. It’s helpful to do the reoccurring things that takes the load off them. And – if you offer – to truly mean it and show up reliably.

3. Don’t suggest to someone that they’re overreacting or that their grief is out of proportion. This is a form of minimizing and invalidating that can be damaging to the grieving person. They’re feeling what they’re feeling their way. You don’t have to understand it. Just please don’t minimize or invalidate it.

4. Don’t give advice – what most grievers most need is to experience the loving presence of others. This could look like acts of service or simply sitting together in silence or a hug, depending on the griever. Advice can feel alienating – unless they specifically request it from you, please don’t give it. Even if you think it’s the best advice ever. Prescribing what worked best for you just isn’t typically that helpful, unless requested by the grieving person

5. Watch for any sentence that begins with “at least”. “At least they’re no longer suffering” “At least your other child is still alive” “At least statements can feel like nails on a chalkboard. Their grief is huge. There is no at least - There’s the tremendous pain that exists. The at least can be experienced as invalidating and damaging

6. It is so hard to feel helpless as we try to support grievers because the truth is – we are. We can’t help it go away. We can’t make it better. Which leads me to my last don’t: please don’t try to cheer them up. When someone is in the throes of intense grief, it’s ok for them to be expressing their pain and their darkness. That isn’t unhealthy; it’s a healthy part of grieving to be in darkness… they just lost someone they deeply love. Validate their pain rather than trying to cheer them away from the truth they can’t possibly get away from. That can just make it worse.

Ok, so that’s a whole lot of what not to do. Then what on earth do we do?

1. Respect what the griever shares with you. Rather than share your opinions, listen with your heart. Silence can be golden – simply holding loving presence and listening goes a long way.
2. Trust them. They are grieving their way, and they are resilient. They don’t need to button up their grief or get over it.
3. Validate what they express. If they tell you “This is terrible.” Respond with a “Yes, it is.” Simple as that.
4. Stay with them wherever they are. If they’re talking about the present, stay with them in the present. If they’re talking about the memories, stay with them in the conversation of the past. This is way better than future-casting.
5. As for their permission before you offer any advice, techniques, or even favors. Sometimes we can do well-meaning things like clean up for them and, if we didn’t ask their permission, we might have just cleaned up the most recent evidence that their loved one was alive. So, while acts of service are amazing – just be sure to check in with them first.
6. Remember that what works for you may not be the best for them. It’s ok that it may not be. We are different.
7. Season changes, birthdays, anniversaries of death and loss, and holidays all can be particularly challenging. Put those times in your calendar to check in with your friend, colleague, at those times by just sending a little note of “thinking of you” or “sending love”. Oftentimes people offer an outpouring of support right after the loss, and then disappear. You can be the one who sticks around for them, years later. It will make a huge difference.
8. Notice if you’re feeling sad, uncomfortable, fearful as you sit with this person’s pain. And attend to yourself. Take deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground. Tap into your heart.  

And, as Megan Devine reminds us so eloquently:

“Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”

I hope this has offered you some support. If you know of anyone who might benefit from hearing this, please share this episode with them. Let’s spread the light of compassionate understanding for one of the most difficult parts of living, shall we?

Thank you, my friend.

References:

https://refugeingrief.com