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Why We’re Hard on Ourselves (and How to Break the Cycle)

being hard on self self compassion self criticism self-care membership
Why We’re Hard on Ourselves (and How to Break the Cycle)

The number one reason people come to see me either for coaching, psychotherapy, or join my self-care membership is because they perceive that something is “wrong” with them. And they’re coming to me to help them “fix’ it.

That is typically where we begin.

You want to hear a secret, though?

I actually don’t think anybody needs “fixed”.

In all my years of working with people, what I find time and time again is that people develop habits, patterned ways of being, and ways of interacting with themselves and the world because of the delicate balance of their genetic predisposition (or nature), and the collection of many experiences they’ve had throughout their lives (nurture). The struggles that they are grappling with are a result of adapting to both their predisposition and their life experiences.

If a tree grows a bit bended and crooked because of the soil, it’s genetic make-up, and the wind constantly whipping all around it as it grows from seedling to mature tree – does that mean something’s wrong with it? I don’t know about you, but I consider the variety of the ways trees grow to be quite beautiful. Often photographers will be drawn to the gnarly, twisted trees that have survived the elements – because there is such beauty there. Right?

What would change if we would be received and treated as unconditionally beautiful, even as we are in the process of just beginning to realize it’s ok to have boundaries, to feel secure in our bodies, or to struggle with connecting to a sense of worth and value. What would change if we could treat and honor ourselves as unconditionally beautiful and worthy of compassion?

Today I’m also going to share the top 5 reasons I tend to hear that people aren’t kind with themselves. And offer another perspective.

 

So, what are these top 5 reason I hear about time and time again? Let’s dive in:
1. People believe that if they’re kinder with themselves, they’ll lose motivation to strive or improve.

Self-criticism is often seen as a way to stay driven, so many believe that being kind to themselves will make them lazy, complacent, or unproductive. I often hear the fear that if someone is compassionate with themselves about their struggle that it will result in stagnation. For example, someone might say something like, “If I’m kind to myself about a mistake, I won’t try harder next time.”

This is very common. You might even find yourself experiencing similar fears and resonating with this as you listen!

What I find so interesting, though, is that research actually shows plenty of evidence that the exact opposite is true. In a study of self-compassion in classroom settings, for instance, researcher Kristen Neff found that self-compassionate individuals were motivated to learn and grow – and that their motivation to learn and grow tends to be more driven for intrinsic reasons – not because they want to gain social approval.1 

Research from the University of North Caroline states:

“People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action... However, this approach often backfires if you can’t face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-censure. In contrast, the care intrinsic to compassion provides a powerful motivating force for growth and change, while also providing the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation.”2

So, if we substitute self-criticism with an affirming message of “It’s okay, I'm learning, and I'll keep trying and do a lot better in the future.” We actually will not only nourish our motivation to grow, but our motivation will be based on our own want to grow rather than on the accolades that we could get from the outside. Also, we are looking at our weakness and areas that could use some growth with clarity and acceptance – and without so much fear.

2. People believe that, if they are kind with themselves, they’ll be more vulnerable or weak. Self-compassion and kindness might even seem shameful – they’re supposed to be tough.

Many of us have grown up in environments that equate self-kindness with selfishness or weakness. Messages like "push through," "be tough," or "don’t be self-indulgent" can make self-compassion feel undeserved or even shameful. I’ve also heard people equate self-compassion with self-pity or even being pathetic.

According to that same article from the University of North Carolina,

“Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerate the extent of personal suffering. Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. Also, self-pitying individuals often become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional drama. They cannot step back from their situation and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.”3

So, if you are practicing kindness with yourself, you’re not wrapped up in drama. You’re not even weak. Your feet are planted firmly on the ground, you’re looking head on at your areas that area needing attention, growth, and strength, and you’re not shying away or pretending that these areas don’t exist.

How much stronger can you get, my friend? You’re daring to reflect, to notice what you perceive as your shortcomings, and grow into an unknown way of being? You are encouraging yourself to grow and trusting that your worth some tender loving care rather than a harsh critical voice?

That takes guts. Lots of guts. Lots of courage.

An example of where many of us struggle is that we might feel guilty for resting because we’ve internalized a belief that productivity defines our value and worth. If we’re not tasking, getting things done, earning money, or taking care of others – then what value do we have?

This is a tricky one that many of us experience.

Heather Cherry, writing for Forbes, states, “Have you ever felt like you can't keep up with your daily tasks and deadlines? What's even more challenging is maintaining your health, your job, and other responsibilities amongst uncertainties or moments of overwhelm—leaving you little to no time for rest. However, rest is a fundamental part of success, health, and happiness. There are many distractions in this digital world, and always something (or someone) requiring your attention. No matter what your schedule or task list may look like, resting and unplugging is vital to your long-term health.”4

Ok, my friends, so that pushing and toughness that you exert on yourselves? It may be that actually self-kindness and intentional periods of rest might actually offer greater intrinsic strength, growth, vitality, and health.

3. Some people have such long histories of negative self-talk, that offering a kind message to themselves feels strange and unnatural – even like they’re lying to themselves.

Long-standing habits of negative self-talk can make kindness feel unnatural. These patterns often stem from past experiences, like critical parenting, bullying, or societal pressure to meet unrealistic standards.

According to an article from UCLA, “Many of us have a judgmental inner voice. A way to gauge that voice is by considering the first thoughts that go through your mind when you make a mistake. For example, if you accidentally broke a glass or spilled coffee on yourself, what would be the first thing that comes to mind? For many of us, the self-talk that follows might be, “you’re such a klutz!” “what’s wrong with you?” or “I can’t believe you did that!” We can be pretty ruthless to ourselves. Negative self-talk often entails magnifying the negative and filtering out the positive aspects of situations, automatically blaming ourselves when things go wrong, and catastrophizing, or assuming the worst-case scenario. These thoughts can be so automatic that we don’t even realize how hard we are being on ourselves.”5

I imagine you’ve heard the saying, “I’m my own worst critic”, right? Most of the time, that is the case, isn’t it?!

Because of this tendency, it can feel very unnatural and even untrue to offer ourselves kindness in the place of criticism.

That same article out of UCLA states, “Mindfulness, which includes a non-judgmental stance, of our emotions is crucial to self-compassion. We cannot ignore our pain and practice compassion for that pain at the same time. This does not mean letting our emotions control us, or getting swept up in them, but instead neither exaggerating nor suppressing them.”6

In the world of psychotherapy, we often refer to negative thoughts as “ANTS” or “Automatic Negative Thoughts”

Common ANTS are “all or nothing thinking” - you know, we didn’t quite show up the way we wanted to, so our thoughts tell us we’re incompetent or a failure? Yep, those kinds of thoughts. The kinds that tend to push us into teetering into the only negative pathway – one that often has us feeling worthless at worst or, at the very least, incredibly down on ourselves.

Another ANT is the “should” thought. For example, “I should be happy – what’s wrong with me?!” or “I shouldn’t be angry”.

One more common ANT is that of discounting the positive. This usually involves discounting something good that happens or something we achieve as a result of luck. It could also involve on focusing on what someone didn’t do for us, when there’s plenty to notice that they did do for us.7

What’s incredible about this is that these ANTS – these negative thoughts can feel more true than the actual reality that they tend to be distortions. Are things really all or nothing in life? Are all of these shoulds 100% true for us? Is it true that the negative is so much bigger than the positive much of the time?

It may seem that way. But usually this is not actually based on the whole picture of our surroundings, our circumstances, and ourselves.

But because we may have learned to experience ourselves and many of our life experiences in this way, self-kindness can feel like the real lie, the big untruth, and actually kinda weird. Like it just doesn’t fit or apply to us.

I want to emphasize how natural this is. It is. And, I also want to emphasize that isn’t the only way we can experience ourselves and our lives. There are other ways. And they could even very much be eventually very real for you. It just takes some time and patience to gradually lean into these kinder ways of being.

4. People often compare themselves to others.

Comparisons have gotten even more severe in the age of social media where groomed images and stories are displayed making it seem like everyone else “has it all together” and a perfect life, which can make our imperfect life and not having it all together seem loathsome and like a failure. As such, many people set impossibly high standards for themselves. When they inevitably fall short, they punish themselves rather than offering grace.

We have another common saying – I’m sure you’ll recognize this one – “the grass is greener on the other side”. That’s a familiar one, right?! Well, that’s absolutely the framework for comparisons. As long as we’re looking outwardly at everyone else, it may seem like their grass is so much greener. But when we get closer, is their grass actually that much greener? Or does it have to do with the lighting, the frame, or our own stories?

Comparing ourselves is so natural. If you notice yourself getting into the comparison trap, I invite you to see it as an opportunity for growth.

The website Mindful Health Solutions states, “Awareness is the first step towards meaningful change. Mindfulness techniques can be incredibly helpful in catching yourself in the act of comparing. The next time you find yourself falling into the comparison trap, take a moment to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re hoping to achieve by comparing yourself to someone else. Acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling, and try to trace them back to their source.”8

5. Some people simply don’t know how to be kind to themselves – and may not even have the awareness that they’re harshly self-critical.

Sometimes, people simply don’t know how to be kind to themselves. Self-compassion isn’t something that’s taught or modeled to everyone, and without guidance, it’s easy to default to self-criticism. Furthermore, many of us might not even realize we’re having a negative thought because it’s so automatic that our awareness simply isn’t there. It’s just part of life, or “the way it is”.

I tell all of my coaching clients and therapy clients that awareness is the very biggest and most crucial step to recognizing the myriad of choices that are available to us. For example, one we have awareness of our negative thoughts, we can choose a different way of responding. But, we can’t choose a different way of responding if we’re not aware first of how we’re responding currently. I can give an example – I used to have lots of harsh thoughts towards myself – it took the recognition of that harshness that allowed me to develop a compassionate alternative. At first I didn’t even realize I was so harsh with myself with my inner dialogue. Now I can recognize internal harshness must faster and shift gears much more easily. It takes time to develop this – and awareness is the biggest key.

In essence, Kristen Neff says it so perfectly – and I quote – “So, why is self-compassion a more effective motivator than self-criticism? Because its driving force is love, not fear.”

If you have listened to this podcast before, you probably have already heard that I am a devoted qigong practitioner – which is a form of moving meditation. Lately, my qigong practice has been strongly focused around shen. The shen, in traditional Chinese medicine and qigong, is considered to be the heart mind. We might also refer to it as the heart space. When we move from the shen, we are acting from our heart, from our compassion, and from our deepest purpose.

I have found, as I’ve been doing heart-centered meditations and qigong, that I am able to access my heart so much more easily, and through this access I tend not to feel so fearful.

Self-criticism is often based on a fear or belief that we are not good enough. When we can practice deep breathing, meditation, or other ways to slow down and come into the present moment, it can be much easier to make decisions that hold integrity with our compassionate heart. This decision may still be boundaried, they can still honor our limits and limitations – and yet they tend to feel more intentional than reactive decisions that a derived from stress, depletion, and overwhelm. At least for me, I tend to feel better about both my reasons for holding a limit or boundary (my why) and how I hold the limit or boundary (my how). By practicing awareness of my harsh inner critic, and inviting in self-kindness and compassion, it becomes much more common that I feel good and honorable in my choices – both big and small.

And as the Dalai Lama states, “The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your action will be.”
To circle back to where I started this post, the number one reason people come to see me either for coaching, psychotherapy, or join my self-care membership is because they perceive that something is “wrong” with them. And they’re coming to me to help them “fix it”.

And I come back to my secret, I actually don’t think anybody needs “fixed”.

I think my biggest job is to help support people to slow down, to see the unconditional beauty and love that they already are, and to live their lives from the wholeness of themselves. The wholeness that they already are when they walk into my office or click onto a zoom with me. The wholeness that is waiting to be discovered each moment. With each breath.


My dear reader, I wish you kindness. Compassion. Just as you are right now.

 

References:

1Neff, K. D., Hsieh, Y., & Dejitterat, K. (2005). Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), 263–287. PubMed Central.

2University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. What Self-Compassion Is Not. Retrieved from https://selfcompassion.web.unc.edu/what-is-self-compassion/what-self-compassion-is-not/.

3Ibid.

4MeiMei Fox, "The Benefits of Resting and How to Unplug in a Busy World," Forbes, January 15, 2021. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2021/01/15/the-benefits-of-resting-and-how-to-unplug-in-a-busy-world/.

5UCLA Psychology Department, "Using Self-Compassion to Reduce Negative Self-Talk," October 15, 2020. Retrieved from https://sites.lifesci.ucla.edu.

6Ibid.

7UCLA Psychology Department, "Using Self-Compassion to Reduce Negative Self-Talk," October 15, 2020, accessed December 2, 2024, https://sites.lifesci.ucla.edu.

8Mindful Health Solutions, "The Psychology of Comparison: Why We Do It and How to Stop," accessed December 4, 2024, https://mindfulhealthsolutions.com.

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