The Journey of Forgiveness: From Pain to Peace
Today, I’m diving into a theme that affects every one of us at some point in our lives, which is the act and process of forgiveness. We'll explore what forgiveness truly means, why it can be so challenging, how it can be a powerful form of self-care, and how it can be a path to healing.
So, to begin with, what does “forgiveness” even mean, anyway?
According to the Mayo Clinic’s website,
“Forgiveness means different things to different people. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger.
The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.”
What I find in my psychotherapy and coaching practice, as well as in The Calming Ground membership, is that often people will be cautious to forgive because deep down their frightened that if they forgive someone who hurt them – or themselves for perhaps trusting that person who hurt them – they’ll make themselves vulnerable to be hurt again.
Forgiveness can feel impossible because our pain validates our experience. Sometimes, holding onto it feels like the only way to remember what happened.
I can think of a friend of mine who long ago was so afraid to forgive her best friend for betraying her, she remained bitter for years toward that former friend. The truth was, her former friend continued living life, while my friend remained burdened by her own bitterness and had great difficulty trusting other people because of it.
Physical and mental health benefits of forgiveness.
Studies have shown that holding onto resentment can lead to chronic stress, which negatively impacts physical and mental health, including increased inflammation in the body.
Studies, including those from Johns Hopkins University, show that forgiveness can lower chronic stress and improve physical and mental health.
There is a significant physical burden to being hurt and disappointed. Chronic anger can put us into a fight-or-flight mode, which then results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes can then lead to an increased risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
The study at John Hopkins University also cautioned us to understand that forgiveness isn’t just about saying the words, “I forgive you or I forgive myself”, but rather It is an active process in which we make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not.
When we forgive, we reclaim control over our emotions and energy. It’s a way to release ourselves from the past and refocus on our present and future.
It’s like giving yourself permission to heal from a past experience that was painful.
So, how do we forgive someone and/or ourselves?
How to forgive
It’s important to honor and acknowledge how we feel. Notice your feelings, which are likely to include anger, sadness, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, fear – just to name a few. Welcome these emotions, if you can. They’re there with us, anyway, right? It can help to notice and acknowledge their presence rather than shun them or shut them away – that tends to just keep them stuck.
Try practices of empathy and compassion. If yours is a struggle to forgive yourself, you might try to remember what you were going through in life at the time and offer some kindness towards your struggle and/or circumstances. If this is a struggle to forgive someone else, you might see if there’s any way to understand the person’s perspective even a little bit. The purpose here is to soften your resentment, not excuse anyone’s actions.
If it helps, you might try writing a letter you never intend to send that expresses the pain and frustration you feel. It can be a powerful tool to let go of what’s inside and process through your experience. Afterward if you’d like you can burn it or rip it up, allowing that too to be part of the process of release and letting go.
If meditation is something you love, you might try meditating using visualization. For example, you could visualize yourself releasing the hurt, the anger, the shame or guilt that you’re carrying and breathe into releasing and relaxing into a state of greater acceptance.
For self-forgiveness,for some people a hand to the heart can offer a felt connection to our softness and self-compassion. If this resonates with you, you might place a hand on your heart and say “I forgive myself for not being perfect” (or for whatever mistake you’re struggling to move on from). You might bring your awareness to your heart and your hand and breathe deeply. Bringing your awareness to the contact of your hand over your heart can deepen that act of self-forgiveness.
Just a reminder: wherever you are on your forgiveness journey, this takes time. It’s typically not a one-and-done act. So, I invite you to be gentle with yourself as you find your way to the peace that this process of releasing can offer.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time act — it’s a journey. Be gentle with yourself.
This can be a slow path of letting go at times. That pacing is important as it requires great courage to gradually let go of our constriction, ground ourselves, open our hearts again, and flow.
Resources
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
